Saturday, September 30, 2006


Whenever we lose someone we love, we cry. We let ourselves drown in our own tears to reflect despair, to show everyone how painful it is to lose someone. Some people, kill their emotions to rid themselves of feeling the same dreadful pain. But some, dry themselves of tears to be able to smile the next day. Whenever we continue to shut ourselves behind those strong walls to avoid pain, there would always be those people who love us, who were left outside that wall, that feel even more pain that we do. It's not that they pity us for it. It's because they also feel the same pain we feel and more, the pain they feel doubles because we lose ourselves like that and rejects them. We aren't the only ones who feel pain. Everyone feels them. Even animals feel pain. It's because we are all living. A life without pain is not worth living.

Whenever someone dies, in that same moment, someone somewhere is given a new life.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


Lethe. Prounounced as "lee-thee". It literally means "forgetfulness" or "concealment".

When you think about it generally, you were all that one could ask for. You might not have the best looks, but it seems every girl is after you. You're always at the top of everyone. It seems that you are quite the person whos is hard to reach. I knew first hand that if I would get into a relationship with you, it would really be painful. And in the end, it ended up with what I fear most. I fell in love. Every single day at school, I get terrible threats. Those stares that constantly stabbing me from the back straight to my heart are unbearable. Those heart-breaking insults and text messages I receive from your admirers got me almost to the point of breaking down. Even still, I bore the pain. I ignore them. It's because you were there. Those days we shared were happy moments I wanted to treasure all my life. But now, they seemed more like a dream.

In all honestly, I am not born with the face nor I am born with the intelligence. To make things easier for your understanding, we are opposite. Total opposite. You never got a grade lower than 2.00. And I never got a grade higher than 2.00. O.o You always have girls to swarm you every single day. And I always say, "It's okay." It's because I trust you. I gave you all the trust I could possibly give to anyone. I was never envious of those pretty, intelligent women who always came to get your attention and I even allowed you to flirt with them in front of me. Simply because I know, you were mine. But you know, even though I always show a poker face, they hurt yet I bore them.

I would gladly accept all those, just don't fucking tell me, I am after another man. If talking to some old friend is considered betrayal in you eyes, what do you call those shit you were doing? Aren't those the sight of betrayal as well? You never heard a word from me. I kept silent all these 3 years. But I'm at the point of reaching my limit. You never cared. As if I am some toy you would just see whenever you like. I am not your toy.

Sabi nga ni Prize, I have been suffering enough. I couldn't contact you for months now. I don't even know what the heck you are doing. I know you are busy. But wouldn't it take you only a few seconds so text me and say, "Hey, I'm still alive." On your last e-mail, the last time we taked, you said something striking...

You are not the same Euri I knew. My Euri wouldn't say those things. She wouldn't talk like that. I will go find my Euri.

Those words you left, they kept me thinking. Each night, I couldn't sleep just thinking about it. It makes me wonder which Euri was the one you were referring to. Is that Euri the real me, or some Euri you just wanted to be me? Which Euri was the one you liked and which Euri did you know?

One night, in my dream, I saw her once again. As if she came back to me. She embraced me so tight and let me cry all I wanted. Even though I had ignored her for quite sometime, she still came back to me. Then and there, I realized one truth. I managed to bore all those pains not because you were there, but because she was there. Even though I knew that, I kept my eyes closed and kept believing it was you. She was like a shadow, she was always there beside me accepting every part of me even though how much I rejected her, even though I left her cold and die alone.

She came for me once again, she kissed me softly on the forhead and told me to be strong. She told me not to bear it alone anymore because she's there to share the pain. And that she would stay with me as long as I wanted her too, as she had always been there. She woke me up from this long tiring dream. She showed me reality again. She found the most precious thing I had that I lost in this long road. She found me. She told me all we have were ourselves and that no matter what, she wouldn't hurt me. She wouldn't let me die alone. Because we - we are one.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

4th Interview

Went to yesterday at 2:00 pm as it was scheduled for my interview. I don't know if it went well. They say they'll call me back for the feedback. This is the 4th interview from them. The one who interviewed me was really beautiful! She really looked like the Korean actress Kim Jeong Eun from Lovers in Paris. I don't actually watch Korean drama series, I just saw it from commercials. And I am not mistaking her just because Koreans all look alike? For a fact, I had Korean classmates and friends from highschool so I know the diffrence. Anyway, I am pretty sure that she's one of the OICs or even the actual owner at that point. They said, this was the final interview. I'm pretty scared. My interview didn't went well yesterday. My nervousness kept me from opening my mouth again. Damn it. It is at these circumstances that I curse my inability to communicate with people properly. But in most cases, I'm thankful of it for it keeps me from annoying people. My communication skills are the worst, if I may say so myself. And I'm not a bit proud of it this time!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Not for Sale. Sample Only.

A while back, I went to a mall. I went straight to a perfume store. They sell various kinds there. I prefer my usual perfume so I went to see if they have it there. I saw one perfume I used before. It's not the one I was looking for but still, I tried asking how much it cost. The middle-aged lady (not sure if she's the store owner) said something like, "Do you want to try it? Here." As she handed me a little bottle of the same perfume. At it side, there something written that says, "Not for Sale. Sample Only." I returned the bottle to her and said plainly, "No need. I know how it smells." Then she replied, "Then would you like this one?" "How much would they cost?", I answered. She replied with, "This small one, is for Php 200.00; the midlle size is for Php 1,500.00; the largest bottle is Php 2,500. Which one do you like?" Honestly, I was quite a bit shocked. She even included the smallest bottle in the pricing and to top it off, for Php 200.00?! Can't she even read that it's for "Sample Only" and it's "Not for Sale"? She got that for free and she's really selling it for that amount? It's okay, if she uses it as a sample but to sell it? Really, I don't know if people these days just really needed money, just wanna fool people, or just plain stupid. Anyway, I left that store and thought not to buy from that store again. I might buy an imitation for the price of the original. It's just plain scary. >.<

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The Decision

I am at the brink of my limit. I keep raising my head, looking at the ceiling, trying so hard to smile. Just to keep these tears from falling. Just to keep myself from shattering apart. I don't want to break. I keep telling myself that. Because I know the moment I break down, I couldn't get the courage to pick myself up again. I wanted to be strong. How much I wanted to hold on. Yet these feelings overflows within me. No matter how I restrain myself, I couldn't do it. Maybe just this night, I may permit myself to cry. Maybe just this night, I may dry myself from these tears. Hoping tomorrow would be another day. Hoping tomorrow I could honestly face this world. Hoping the days after tomorrow I could finally pick the right words to tell you. How painful it is. How long I had been keeping this pain within me. How I pity myself for so long. How I wanted to be free.

This bird finally decided to break free from her cage. Even if breaking free means her wings would be badly wounded and she might not be able to fly for the rest of her life. Even if breaking free would only result her to an eternal despair. Even if breaking free only meant she has to leave the only happiness she has.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Translate This in English

_yuuzora left me hanging with a brain cracking question earlier. It left me thinking for hours! O_o Now I don't even know if I could manage to sleep not knowing the answer.

Translate this in English: Pang ilang presidente si GMA?

I tried asking people in my YIM list. The funniest thing there is when I get almost the same replies.

error_in_syntax replied:

GMA is the Philippines' nth President. What is n?

Tony replied:

GMA is Nth president?

And My reply was:

GMA is the nth president. n=?


Now your reply is?

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Spare Me

Ah, please, spare me. You don't have to sweet talk me as well. Well, you can't anyway, what's the use? Aside from the fact that I am already taken (even though he seems not to care), I am not interested in any man on which I could honestly say, I'm more manly. As so goes that fact that I'm not interested in your "type" of a guy. So how do I see you? Well, prepare yourself for this.

If you belong to any of this, don't bother.

1. You stink. I careless if you took a bath 5 times, roll your deo on 10 times, the fact that you still stink, it only means, it's ineffective. Please stay away from me within a hundred meter radius.
2. You perspire a lot. I hate sticky people. What more is when my skin got to touch you. -_-|| (I just rememebred a passenger from the jeepney I road yesterday. Gross!)
3. You are too hairy (body-wise). I freaked out at the sign of body hairs (exaggerated). Maybe because it was injected to my system that hairy people smells and perspires the most?
4. You are bald. Or maybe, you just had your hair cut? Either way, I don't like guys without hair (head-wise). Also, I don't like attracting attention because your head is shiny and all.
5. Our skin tone differences are way too opposite. I don't like catching attention that way. I prefer if you are paler than I am. It makes me want to bite you. =3
6. We don't have any interest in common. Because the only interest you have is flirting girls and I'm not into flirting, much more, to girls?
7. I don't like how you dress. I really don't care about you being emo, goth, punk or anything in particular to dressing, but please have a little bit of decency not to try so hard.
8. You have no class. My gosh! Don't eat things you pick from the ground (5 minutes? Yuck!) and don't lick your fingers. Are you a dog or something?
9. You smoke. I'm not fond of people who look, smell and much more, taste like an ashtray. I despise the scent sticking to me too! I would rather stick to the smell of my perfume than smell like grilled fish.
10. You prefer men. Please don't use me as some sort of replacement for your boyfriend if he broke up with you or you had a argument. I don't even have anything worth that long to inject into your anus too. Maybe if you would provide me a pole or anything would be nice?

PS: I am so not starved of men para patulan ka.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Yet Another Rant

I know, text messages are a mass. Even then, people should not be typing things such as "dis s a smpl msg" and much more, in a stcky caps like "yEt aNtHr sMpL MsG" because it freaking annoying! Aside from the fact that it's not the proper way of doing it, it's also hard to read. You may use them for text messages but for heaven's sake, not on notebooks, documentations and term papers!


So why did I ended up with ranting like this? It's because of this term paper my brother needs to pass. Someone (his classmate) provided him with a summary of a few chapters of Noli Me Tangere that they needed to make a term paper on. It should be written in Filipino. I was bribed to help him typed those 3 full pages of back to back yellow papered summary taht that classmate provided. Aside from the fact that this certain being is a little trying too hard to attain deep Filipino feeling using deep Filipino vocabularies, it's loaded with mispelled Filipino words and gramatical errors. And to make it worse, she/he uses texting-type manner of writing in sticky caps! It creeps me out, honestly.

On first account, the prefixes "mag", "nag" and the like only uses "-" when the next letter is a vowel. Other than that, the words should not be separated by "-". (mag-awitan; magkamayan) Secondly, "nang" and "ng" are used differently. "Nang" is used to describe something and is often used in this manner: Verb + nang + Adverb/Adjective. "Ng" on the other hand is a possesive modifier and is used mostly as such manner: Noun + ng + Noun. But thay are not limited to only these. This is basic Filipino. Didn't they learn this in elementary? They are even highschool students already and can't even construct a simple Filipino sentence properly?

HS Names?

Lately, I've been seing Labs often. I wonder why. When I went to school some time last week, I saw her. I know their school is just a few steps from ours but their school's population is huge. Then, when we went to SM last weekend, I saw her at DIY and she yelled, "LABS!" Everyone has the, "What?!" expression written all over their faces. They probably thought we were a couple? O_o Actually, even I was surprized she still calls me "Labs". It's been approximately 6 years now when we started calling each other that. It was when we found out that Diel (our friend) had this secret boyfriend and they call each other "Labs". Then, we started teasing them and call each other the same thing whenever we see them together and it kinda just stuck.

I suddenly remembered what people used to call me back in HS.

First, it's Haruka. Since elementary, I had been called by this name. When I saw Joy (another HS classmate) sometime ago, she still calls me Haruka. It was taken from Tenou Haruka (Sailoruranus). I was an addictied fan. I even bought collectible cards, film cards, posters, ring, and all else I could find with her face on it. I even dreamt about her. And I honestly admit that I still wished she was a man. >..<) Biblically speaking, I do not think that the name is suitable for me. Maybe Cain is more preferable. She even used me to make her boyfriend jealous by asking me to write her letters every other day. Then, she would brag it in front of him and say it was from a guy named "Abel" and the dimwit seriously believed her though. O_o Aside from forging my paren't signatures, maybe I'm also great at impersonating a guy? O_o

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I Won't Lie to You

If you break up to pieces, I would only watch you pick yourself up. I wont help you. Even if it means I'm also shattering myself with it. I won't give you lies that I would help you. Nor give you comforting words to stop your tears. No matter what I say, your heart wont stop feeling the pain, anyway. Besides, I already have enough problems with myself. I don't need another shit from you. I sounded rude for a friend? I AM rude, for heaven's sake! People learn a lot and get stronger as soon as they picked themselves up. I wanted to be the one to see that smiling face telling me, "I finally recovered!" than be the sole one to see that gloomy life-less body of yours on the ground, drowned in tears, begging to be mended. After all, no heart can be mended unless they themselves put effort into stitching those wounds, right? You better start stitching because I won't lie to you. Even if it means you would die. I still won't lie. Because the only way I could show you how to be a friend is to be true.

Monday, September 11, 2006


Beyond Eternal is still down. It's been freaking down for a long time. *sigh*

I'll be on my LJ for a while. As of current, I really don't have any appetite for this blog.

Sunday, September 10, 2006


After a few centuries, got a new layout. I haven't thought of a good name for it yet. Maybe later. Yes, it's Gackt. Again. I know. He's so freaking beautiful, what can I do? ;)

[edit] I named it Brilliance. [/edit]

Thursday, September 7, 2006


Have you ever felt of how much painful it is when you want fly and reach those cloudy heavens, breath those fresh wind breeze, see how the day shines so bright, yet you can't? Because you are confined. Those strong, thick rusted bars prevents you. You fought hard. Yes, you had finally learned to fight. Yet no matter how much you flap those wings they just bleed and feel more pain. The chains that bind your feet are already covered with your own blood. Your frail little body is already filled with bruises you caused yourself trying too hard to break free.

Would you continue to dream of the outside world you longed for so long at that cause of so much pain? Would you still want that freedom where you would never know when the day will come that you would be shot down by a hunting gun? Or would you remain inside that rusted cage, well pampered with all the food and water you wanted but you will never see that sunlight you dreamed of.

Life is cruel. Everyone knows that. Now, tell me... freedom or luxury - death or regret?


by Gackt
(translation by Senshi Gakuen)

Inside of the light, I saw my youthful memories
They're still too far off for me, filthy as I am now
Inside of the darkness, I called your name over and over again
Inside of the endless time, there's no one there but you

I lock myself up, unable to even atone
I can't do anything but sadness is not cured

I tore off a single damp petal from a hydrangea
It floats in a puddle, and I remember you

In the evening just after the rain, I faintly heard the far off whistel of a ship
For some reason, it made me sad

If I can't be forgiven, then everything can disappear
The sadness and the pain, to the world that doesn't need anything

I lock myself up, unable to even atone
I can't do anything but sadness is not cured

Inside of the light, I saw my youthful memories
Even the soundless smile is happy right now
I can't return to that time ever again
When we were laughing

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

What happened to Beyond Eternal?

What happened to Beyond Eternal? A lot had been asking me that lately. I am currently experiencing mass security issues with BE. In short, I have been hacked from left to right lately. Talk about pain the neck. So both me and my host concluded to put the site down for the meantime until we could find the cause of it. I mean, where they enter my site. There should be an openning of some sort somewhere where they managed to enter right? so until that's figured out, it will stay in a down state. You can't think of a solution if you don't know the cause right? So all I have to do then is wait for my host to finish screening every part of my site. Yes, every part.


One factor for security issue that was reported to me was the Tagger LE I am using as a Tagboard. so if you are using Tagger (file-based tagboard), no matter what version it is, be alarmed that you might also get hacked one way or another.

Another is that you have to upgrade your PHP Fanbase to its latest security update. This one's been up since May, I just thought I might share.

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