Saturday, August 26, 2006

Gayness

First things first, I was hacked again. And damn, this was the second time this week too. It's really a pain considering I'm job hunting lately leaving me no time to work on Beyond Eternal anymore. Speaking of which, I went to Sutherland Globals Services this morning to apply for TSR (Technical Support Representative) on which in the slightest of my comprehension leads to the idea of being a call center agent. I started at 10 in the morning and guess what, I just got myself done past 6 in the evening. The waiting time is frankly longer than that of the interviewing and exam time. I passed the grammar exams, but I seriously think I have to work on my communication skills. What can I do? I'm a natural born introvert. Anyway, there was this guy/gay (Honestly, I don't know which one is he but I really wanted him to be a gay though.) who is some sort of a speech trainer for the to be call center agents. He decides whether you pass or fail in the interview. When he started his introduction, (before he interviewed us) he lend me his jacket and even blackmailed me to take it or else he would fail me, because he thought I was cold to the point of freezing myself to death. Honestly, I wasn't. I was even more nervous than cold. I could actually hear my heart beating loud than feeling my body got numb of being cold. Seriously, I didn't thought that place to be that cold so I left my blaizer at home. But just the thought of him lending it to me is so sweet. =3 I even smelled the jacket. Taking the scent of the cigarette smoke aside, it smells nice. He was pretty worried I would get too cold in that office but I insisted to be the last one to take the interview. I wanna savor the scent of his jacket. *lol* But seriously, I want to be last because I'm too nervous to even stand up. XP

PS: While on my interview, he mentioned that we live in the same subdivision. When I find out where he exactly lives, I might stalk him. And you are free to call me the first woman to ever stalk a gay. XP

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Last Act of Bravery

No matter how I shout, it seems that my voice still can't reach you. No matter how I drag myself and try, it seems that I still can't meet your expectations. You were always looking for that child that suits your expectations. And I completely failed you at every possible way. I'm tired. Too tired. Tired of trying to please you every single day. I felt that I need to wake up from this dream somehow. And I decided it to be now. After all, I would need to wake up from it one way or another. If I wont, I will completely lose this little thing I have left within me that's called self-love. If I lost it, I couldn't get myself back to pieces anymore when I break. This is my one last act of bravery to protect myself. I can't bare it anymore. Please expect a living doll when I wake.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

BE Hacked

Beyond Eternal is currently down. It has this some sort of Internal Server Error on which cause I knew not of. Fixing that takes time. Roughly, about a day or two. I should be done yesterday. My shitty brother, just because some babe friend who came along, shut what I was doing leaving me to start over again from that beginning. Damn him.

[edited]

I found the reason why. I was hacked by some guy going by some lame name called TimiHack.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

It's Okay to Cry

Just a draft of one another fiction. Based on a mixed of reality and not. I'll finalize it later this evening. My head hurts. T_T

--

She was walking the streets on her way home, one day.
"Yo. musta?", someone snuck through her back, grining widely.

Expressionless, thinking who could the idiot be, and she was surprized.

"You're alive?"

"Of course, what do you expect?", he winked.

"Still a big flirt, I see."

She remembers how he was always surrounded by girls back in their school days.

"Yeah, still pretty much the same old me. And what about you? What happened to you?"

"What, what happened to me?"
Stares at her from head to foot, stopped, and goes around looking at her.

"Stop staring at me like that, idiot.", she puched him in the arms.

"Gosh, your attitude never fades. You're still flat chested as it was. But what the heck's wrong with your taste, nowadays? You've become... geeky."

"What the~!"

"Wooww... Easy, girl."

Turns around a starts leaving.

Catches up, running, "Wait up! Is that how you are to treat someone after not seeing each other for years?"

"..."

"Seriously... you've changed a lot."

"..."

"Alam mo, you're always the type who never leaves the house without accessories. Christmas tree kung baga. Not to meantion, you're a cross-freak. Everytime we see something with a cross, binibili mo kaagad, without even any hesitation. Good thing ankh never interest you, but your heck scary of buying all those crosses. Aside from that, you never leave your house without wearing at least one. Now I'm seeing you without any accessories, without even a cross-earing, and on top of that, in a colored shirt? I'm getting sick."

"Shut up!"

"..."

"I've... changed..."

"I know."

"..."

"For how long have you been this way?"

"I couldn't quite remember, sorry."

"This is not you."

"..."

"Is it because of him, that you changed this much?"

"No, I wanted to change my image. I wanted to be someone who can approach people. Someone friendly. Someone..."

"... not you."

"How can you say that? You don't even know how I feel."

"Putang ina! Stop living in lies!"

"..."

"I know perfectly how you feel. Of all people, It is I who knows you best."

"..."

"Do you still wear your boots?", a sudden change of topic.

"Of course. I even bought one recently."

"..."

"By the way, I love those eyeliners your wearing."

"It's Revion, you know."

"Rich as ever."

"..."

"..."

Out of the blue, "Hindi ko na pakikialaman ang bago mong lifestyle.", staring at a rock, looking serious, and kicks it, "Gusto mo yan eh.", kicks another rock, "I just want you to stop wearing that mask. Be yourself. Do this not for me, but for yourself."

Looked down the floor, "Yes."

"...", stares up the sky.

Sits on the floor, "Honestly...", staring at the floor, "nagising ako ng isang umagang may kulang sa sarili ko. Tagal ko ko ring nakatulala't iniisip ko kung ano nga ba yung bagay na yun na kulang sakin. Narealized ko na lang isang araw, habang inaayos ko yung mga gamit ko, na hindi ko na kilala kung sino ako. Hindi ko alam kung alin nga ba dito ang totoong ako. I felt so unreal. I felt so sad taht of all things I have to lose, I have to lose myself. Then, I started to think kung san ako magsisimulang maghanap. Where would I start looking for myself. Everytime I remember that I don't even know where to start looking, I tremble in fear. Fear na hindi ko na mahanap ang sarili ko."

"..."

"At some point, I'm thankful to have seen you here, randomly", smiles with tears forming in her eyes, "you made me realise who I was. I could start from there. Maybe eventually, I could find my true self."

"And when you do, you are to treat me with a luxurious meal."

"Areyou planning to get me broke? For so you know, I'm jobless."

"For hell I care. Gumawa ka ng paraan.", smiles, "Well, gotta go, see ya!"

"Bye... and thank you..."

He waved his hand while walking further away.

"That stupid guy." she thought.

Suddenly...

*beep beep*

"Text? Now who could be texting me?"

She was shocked to receive a text message from him, her best friend, we just just talking with him a while ago.

"Sweatheart, this is your Tita. My son, he just died of a car accident."

As she goes on reading, she was shocked and rushed to their house. As she suddenly barged in, she saw his mother, crying in the living room.

His mother approched her and said crying, "He just arrivedfrom the airport and was on his way to your house to surprize you that he's back. But the taxi he was riding hit a bus. He was rushed to the hospitalbut he died before he even arrived. I just got a call from the hospital when I text you."

His mother's voice is slowly fading. Until she can no longer hear anything. She just stared at the woman in front of her in shock. It's as if her world stopped. Her body became numbed. And her strength were drained away from her as if some force is sucking it up. Not a teardrop fell from her eyes. Even until the burial was over, she remained in shock and still, not crying.

His mother felt pity on her and embraced her tight. Softly, she said, "Sweatheart, it's okay to cry..."

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Surreal

I stumbled upon a blog. I read the latest entry. And I felt numb for a moment. The words repeated to my mind like echo, urging me to read the rest of it. Amusingly, before I could even tell myself that, I'm already reading.



I don't wanna try to fight this love...


I know I didn't have any right to judge this certain being who is only deprived of happiness. But honestly, in my opinion, the moment you accepted the fact that you are loving, you couldn't deny the fact that you have to sacrifice one way or another and feel pain. You can never divide happiniess and pain with the exactly same amount. Same as like love is never really equal where the other loves another more that the other.



I felt even more intrigue and read the rest of the entires. Honestly, he sounds surreal. I only knew a few people who thinks like that. And most of them, they end up being left behind by the one's they love. I hated them. I hated people like that. As much as I hated my self being like that.



I know, I talked as if know... I know, because I myself am surreal.

The Final

Finally, after coding it for days. The Final, A J-rock blog crew, is finally done.



The Final is the very first Jrock blog crew in the Internet. This blog crew was originally owned by Sappire. Because of her busy life, and some members dying, (she told me they actually died) she decided to shut it down and I happen to get her permission for the adoption. We exchanged e-mails for sometime and she agreed that I adopt it. The official adoption was made just last August 4th 2006 and started working on the backend coding for it that same day. Now it's done, so please join!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Panahon ng Thesis

Note: I have no intentions of whatsoever na isiwalat kung sinu-sino man ang mga taong tinutukoy ko sa entry na to. I also posted it here on LJ plus friends only, because Dean is reading my blog (she even comments) and I don't want her constantly asking me who these students are. Because of my being defensive, yes, they are students from my school.

Panahon na naman ng Thesis. Mabibigla ka na may nagtetext at tumatawag sa cellphone ko, tinatanong ang address ng bahay namin, para lang "magpatulong" sa mga thesis nila. Sa totoo lang, wala akong balak "tumulong" o sa ibang linguaheng alam ko, wala akong balak gawin ang thesis mo. At wala akong paki kahit bumagsak ka pa. Hindi na rin ako maawa sa magulang mo kahit magmakaawa pa sila at lumuhod sa harap ko. Wala rin akong paki kung sino ka man, kahit anak ka pa ni Mayor, pamangkin ni Gov, apo ni Senator. Una sa lahat, resulta yan ng pagiging iresponsable mo na hindi pumasok at magbulakbol pa. Wala kang natututunan sa eskwela? College isn't about spoon feeding. Anong feeling mo, nasa elementary ka na pati coloring materials na gagamitin mo, teacher mo pa ang nag pro-provide? Pangalawa, hindi lahat ng tao, mabibili mo sa pera mo. Alam mo kasi, mataas ang pride ko. Hindi ko naging ugaling nagpapabayad sa kahit anumang tulong na gagawin ko. Kahit nagpapaplibre, mas gusto kong akong nagbabayad. Ikatlo, thesis nga ng utol ko, hindi ko pinapakialaman, plus, tinutulugan ko, para hindi ako kulitin, ikaw pa kaya? Ikaapat, at mahaba to, may ugali akong demonyong mas gusto kong makita kang umiiyak katapos ng defense at ipaalam sa mga kaklase mo, kaibigan, magulang at kamag-anak na bumagsak ka. Para naman madama mo ang buhay estudyante. Sinabi mo pa, gustung-gusto kong makita kang halos pumutok na ang utak sa kaiisip kung pano mo gagamitin ang for loop statement diyan sa system mo na sa totoo lang, kung ginagamit mo man ang utak mo, pwede namang if-else statement na lang. Gugustuhin ko pa lalong makitang dumudugo ang ilong mo sa harap ng mga panelist dahil hindi mo masagot ang simpleng tanong na, "How did this result came to be?" Sige lang, lumipat ka ng ibang programmer. Magpagawa ka sa iba. Care ko. Tutal, mayaman naman si papa eh. Kayang kaya ka niyang buhayin, pag-aralin ng ulit-ulit. Ilang taon ka na kasi sa college? At, proud ka pa ha. Naunahan ka namin. Graduate na kami, nag-aaral ka pa. Minsan, hindi ko alam kung hindi mo talaga kaya o sadyang walang hiya ka lang at may mukha ka pang iharap sa mga tao. Natatakot tuloy ako sa magiging resulta ng transcript mo. Ilang pages kaya yan na puro 5.00?

In my opinion, sometimes we need to stop relying on people and stand on our own feet. I'm regretting the fact that I didn't accept them because I'm currently broke, jobless and I needed money. But I'm not regretting it because I'm seeing them try hard to make something out of nothing. :)

Wednesday, August 9, 2006

Reflection

It was raining. I peeked up to the dark sky though the window blinds. I closed my eyes, and finally raised it up and relaxed myself. With empty thoughts, staring to nothingness, I was suddenly stunned. I saw a girl on the window. The girl that the dripping raindrops from my window made. I stared at her. Suddenly, I started to feel pity for her. So helpless, so weak, so broken. I stared through her eyes that seemed so empty. Those eyes that asked me, where is the real me?

Friday, August 4, 2006

Blogger Code

I came upon this Blogger Code generator earlier and I thought it was interesting and would like to share it to you guys.

My Blogger's Code is:
B8 d++ t+ k s+ u- f i o++ x-- e l c--

You can use this Blogger Decoder to see what it says. :D

Thursday, August 3, 2006

Incompentent

This is stupid. Kung wala ka rin lang tiwala sakin at sa ginagawa ko, why the heck did you hire me in the first place? Puro na lang si [insert name here]. When I resigned, you ask him to finished my work. I already told you 3 weeks before, tapos na yun all I am waiting for are the requirements you fail to give me, now you blame me? Bullshit. I did everything I could. All that I am capable of without complaints. I get insults from you everyday, you never belived a word I say. You never even hear what I have to say. You are happy when you see me accomplish the preposterous work you wanted me to. I meet your every impossible demands and deadlines without complains. I work even when I get home. Now you are trating me like I am incompentent. Geez. Get a grip. I'm tired of all this bullshit.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Crossways: A Hecate Fnalisting

My Crossways: A Hecate Fanlisting, is finally up and running smoothly. :) Please join!



Who is Hecate?

Hecate or Hekate is the goddess of the night, darkness, cross-roads and magik or sorcery. She is the daughter of the Titan Perses and of Asteria and the mother of Scylla. She is called Agriope or "savage face".
 

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