Monday, December 27, 2004

I Had a Bad Day

Dammit! How could you teach some asshole to make something if the fucking asshole himself don't want you to teach him how to do it in the process?! Punyeta naman eh! Tuturuan mo, mumurahin ka, hindi mo tuturuan mumurahin ka rin! Putang-ina!! Anong gusto niyong gawin ko?! Nananahimik na nga yung tao sa isang tabi ang dami paring nasasabi?! Can't I do anything right anymore?! Bullshit!

I had a bad day. And don't wanna talk about it.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Holiday Gift!

I was offline for quite sometime due to my weak body being ill again. *sigh* Anyway, I have no particlar entry this time. I just wanted to give you this holiday gift! ^^ All you need to do is copy this one below to post it where ever you like! ^^ And yes, it is hotlinkable. Just make sure you would link it back to okay? ^^

Happy holidays to all! ^^

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Any Belief Worth Having Must Survive Doubt

I haven't really finished my project yet but then, business comes first. Seriously, this morning, he called me and asked me if I could make a site on a rush. I said I can make a site on a rush but I do not accept those kinds of request at the moment because I'm on the process of finishing my project first! And at the end, I was talked out on making it. (*ugh!* My project!!) Then he came over *yey!* and gave me the details. To my surprise, the site doesn't really have anything of interest for a content. I'm not really good at thinking "what else could I add to make this damn site draw visitors" so it took me practically a half day just making it. If only the one who wanted the site was there to give the details it would be done in a hour or two! But then again, I'm well compensated to do that. That was suppose to be some guy's final project. When I think of it, a website? For a final project? Heck I would do anything to change that software project to just a website project. But then again, I dream!

I read a mail a while ago, that says exactly as it is below though I won't mention who mailed me that.
I asked because it still bothers me your question of what I would tell God after I die and he did really exist. :-) I am not so sure of my beliefs after all... But then, if I am sure of my belief, I would just be like the rest of the fools, I mean foolish people, out there (i.e. Christians :-)).
"Huh? What?", you say. Okay, I will explain. Sometime ago, (I think it had been a month or more) one question entered my mind: What if the end of the day comes today, and as it was written in the scriptures, Jesus came back and God will take all those who believed in him to heaven and left the rest to Hell. Or to simply put it, the judgment day comes. Would I regret being an Atheist? I remembered I had asked this question to the group as well just to see if we have the same sides. But then, only a few answered the question. Maybe because I did not make separate topic for it. But then again, I was glad that those answers I received are somewhat close to mine.

My answer was this:

As an Atheist, I will honestly take all responsibility for disbelieving but I will not regret that I have been one (if ever I became a Christian) nor regret that I am (now). How could I say such things you might want to ask me. My answer is simply, because I would rather be burned to eternity that lie to myself that I believe such being exists where I know he doesn't. If by any twist of chance I may someday eat my words and kneel before God for that I had doubted him, I would still be very much thankful that I had once became an Atheist for "Any belief worth having must survive doubt." A friend once told me in a forum, "You believe in Love yet not in God." Honestly that question struck me so I think hard and asked myself "why". But then again, my thoughts lead me back to the quotation, "Any belief worth having must survive doubt." I didn't reply to his statement but inside me I know that I had survived that doubt. I did not not believe in Love until it just came my way. Then, I had proven that Love exists. But I haven't proven that God exist, so I would remain an Atheist from the day I doubted until the day I would prove his existence.

Don't you go hitting me with questions like, "what about your friends?" I have only one aswer to that... "Any belief worth having must survive doubt."

Maybe that's why I love this quotation so much. Because it alone answers most of the questions I have. It alone, though maybe thoughtless for some, is everything I am and what I believe. And it alone gives me strength to go on.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Shooting Stars

Vanity: A New Look

I made a new look for this journal. ^^ I spent literally the whole day just to make this as how you see it now. Glad it turned out exactly as I planned it too look. How did you find it then?

Of course, the credits, would I forget? The brushes I used were from Annika von Holdt, Truly Sarah and Miss M.

You may not take the images. They were my photography, my property and my art. In short, MINE. Please do not take them. No exceptions.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Bandwidth Limit Exeeded

My site was down again, so I resorted here for my journalizing. This time, it's a "Bandwith Limit Exceeded" thing. I wasn't really expecting that much visitors this month. I don't know maybe it's because people have nothing much to do since most school had just started a few weeks before. I had recived a lot of e-mails lately from ramdom people. I really need time to read all of them. More to that is I had tons of e-mail accounts. And because of that, I decided to trim down my e-mails.

We had our sportfest these past 3 days including today. I'm not a sporty type, so I just sat at some bench and just yell "Go! Black Scoprions Go!" and went around eating this and that, as usual. Btw, Khei was the champ in the badminton tournament! Congrats Khei! :D And what else, yeah, I lost my game - bowling. I don't play sports. :P People know that. It's just a matter of having representatives for that certain game. And besides, I was forced to join. I didn't even get myself listed on the try outs. I just found myself under the team's members automatically...

Friday, November 26, 2004

Brings Back Memories

I saw him a while ago at school. He pass by me and gave me back the cd he borrowed. We had treated each other as friends since the time we broke up but his attitude of not talking to me infront of many people still haven't changed. He acted as if he really didn't want to let the people know we knew each other.

When we were still together, I felt this thing like he was ashamed of me. Whenever we are walking, he always went on ahead and left me walking alone. Then he would yell at me telling me I walk oo slow where in fact, he walks too fast. When I tell him that, he would always say it's hot. And stupidly, I always just give a nod for an answer. But deep down my heart, I cry.

I had always told myself to just forget him but I couldn't do it. I always keep myself busy to avoid remembering things such as that but no use... I wanted to be by him again but then the troma of just leaving me without any good reasong still lives within me so thought twice again. Another thing, he's a strong Christian and wouldn't even listen to what I have to say when I start asking "How sure are you that your G-d exist?". I can't imaging myself praying, going to Sabbath, preaching whatever. I had been born and grew without any divine diety. And he was the opposite. We couldn't meet because his spritual side is the first in his priorities and me the last where in my side, it's the exact opposite. My friend, Jon once told me that even if, everything would meet at the middle if we really love each other. I could give him that assurace but what about him? That, I couldn't tell.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

An Introduction

This LJ account is just a continuation of my other deleted journal. (Some of you knows it.) This journal, as the other one, might be a little too offensive to some people. But nevertheless, I just return what people give me, in double. If you give me kindness, I will give you back kindness with respect. If you give me insults, I will give you back a smile and my pity along side. I need not insult you because you’re just one of those people who just misunderstood me. But do not try my patience. I may have long patience for other things but I will never tolerate people who’ve gone too far. I’m not scaring you or bragging that I’m scary because I’m not. I’m just being true to myself.

Read at your own discretion.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Weiss Kreuz Roleplay

So. I recently joined a Weiss Kreuz RP. I'm handling Hidaka Ken, my favorite. His slot was open, surprisingly, by chance, so I joined without second thought.

There are free slots, in case you guys are interested!

Here are the rest of the crew:

Weiss Team

Fujimiya Ran: MS
Kudou Yoji: Maaru
Hidaka Ken: Euri
Tsukiyono Omi: Riisha

Schwarz Team:
Brad Crawford: free
Naoe Nagi: Amy
Schuldig: free
Farfarello: Free

Persia: Free
Manx: Free

Chibi Chocobo: Ray

To join: E-mail Ray or Riisha

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

The Pagans at Ancient Roman Period

I just watched the movie King Arthur. The version of that story was based on history and is not like the original Arthurian Legends which is both fictional and mythical. I really don't get why Romans of the ancient times gets easily carried away with their beliefs which are mostly mislead... Remembered when my CF teacher told us a story when Christians were burned to death, crucified, fed to lions etc. by the Romans back then before their emperor, the one who introduced them to Christianity, sat to the throne (can't remember which emperor was that... So many names in the Bible to remember them all... :P). But there came a time, the Romans had fully accepted Christianity as their religion, and they tried to expand their empire through Britain (this was around 300 A.D. if my memory serves me right). Even though it's other way around, still, the same brutality was shown and even more inhuman than before. Pagans and non-believers were tortured and treated as slaves by Romans in their own land simply because they do not believe in the Christian God. As I watched the movie, I really felt pity for those British who were brutally whipped until they bathe in their own blood, tied up and jailed in deep dark dungeons without even a drop of water after the long and tiring day out on the hot field planting crops and serving a Bishop that orders their death after they had given their worth. Then I thought, what if I was living at that era? Would I survive even a day of that torture? Even if I would, I would probably be dead even before I reached the age of 10. Sometimes, when given so much power, we really get out of hand...

Btw, CF is Christian Formation. One of my subjects in high school. This is because my mom enrolled me at a Catholic University. Hey! Don't look at me like that! Even though I'm not a Christian, I still know a thing or two about Christianity and it's history. And since the words ANCIENT HISTORY is present, expect me to be attentive at the subject.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Here They Go Again

I had received mails from Christians saying things like, I'll be burned down in Hell while they enjoy themselves up in Heaven. And my reply to all of you would be, Thanks you for the mail and I already know I'm going to Hell (if it exists though) when I die. Look, we respected every Christian beliefs and listened to them whenever they try to preach us and things as such. Why couldn't you Christians do the same thing and listen to what we have to say first rather than telling us that we'll be in Hell for disbelieving before we even try to speak our minds. That was the most reason why a lot of non-Christians writes things like that. We tried our best to listen to your every word and when we got the chance to speak our mind, you damn us and tell us that we are devil's instruments. Most of you considered science as a devil's instrument. If then, why use the Internet? Why use computers? Aren't they product of science which you people call a product of devil's deeds? We do not REFUSE believing your G-d just for the reason of we don't see him, smell him, hear him etc. We disbelieve because he is beyond reason and logic. Don't go telling me things such as "that is why he is almighty because he is beyond words, beyond reason and beyond logic". What kind of reasoning is that? It just shows that you people couldn't defend your own God because somewhere deep inside you also doubt his existence like we do.

As much as possible I try to keep myself from this kind of talk because I do not want to shatter anyone's heart more, my Christian friends'. But I couldn't bare it anymore. I'm totally fed up for these kind of balderdashes! Look, I tried so hard to respect people for they could respect me also. Are those not enough for you to respect me also and leave me with what I believed and wanted to believe? I lived my life as a non-Christian peacefully and here you are ramming me with endless trash mails, branding me as disturbed, violent, cult member etc., and telling me that I less deserve to live because I dishonor my creator? Did the Christian teachings teach people to do those rude things to other people just because they do not believe? If I am your God, I would be disgraced. For your information, I am having my general check-ups twice annually and none of the results gave me that I lost my sanity (disturbed thing). I gave ample respect to my parents as you all do also (respect for my creator). Don't you go telling me that God created me. How? A stork brought me and stuck me to mom's womb? If that so, for what purpose is mating then? For pleasure? Sin. I am sinful because I say things like this. In my language, I only commit sin when I hurt somebody may it be on purpose or not. Now, I agree that I had sinned because in some way, I hurt somebody out there. But I do not consider plain disbelief as a sin, because I do not hurt anybody for not believing.

"If he didn't exists how come we know there is a G-d?" - read somewhere... I would like to state this just as in my point of view. I do not intend or by any possible change force you to believe me. Believe what you like. And I believe mine. This is my journal and I have the right to write whatever I want.

Q: Do you know Count Dracula?
A: Yes, of course.
Q: Did he ever existed?
A: No.
Explanation: It's all in LITERATURE.

Count Dracula became well known because of the novel "Dracula" a masterpiece of Bram Stoker. And how did G-d became well known in my point of view? The answer is also literature. He became well known because of the eldest literature masterpiece ever written by "a few inspired people" - the Bible. But I don't think that the Bible was the eldest literature written because, if my memory serves me right, stone tablets were dated far elder than the papyrus where the first version of the Bible was written... Or did I miss something?

Friday, June 18, 2004

I Believe, Because I Believe

I had read this once in an article - I believe, because I believe.

And here are my questions:

Why do you need to believe when you don't know what to believe? What was it that he believed that caused him to believe that I don't know if I would believe because I don't know what to believe? And why does he still believes that something he believe but doesn't know what that is he believed? And should I also believed that something he believed that I do not believe to make me also believe what he believed? And if I should believed that something he believed that I doubt I would believe would it make a difference when I believed that what he is believing is right? And when I found out what was it that he believed that I am starting to doubt believing, would he still be believing what he was believing or also stopped believing because he, too, himself don't know why he believes what he believes and just believed because he believed?

Never mind my question. You'll just lose your sanity if you analyzed those. I'm starting to lose mine as well. But answers are really hard to accept when you still have question after each... I'm serious about these question though. When you read too much, you'll ask too much. Sometimes, your brain might not hold it anymore and just burst out. (I know, I'm a freak!) But hey, this is true. One retarded I saw along my way one day, wrote an amazingly written article about God's existence. His grammar and choice for words are of such calibre that caught my attention greatly. I was on a hurry, but because I was amazed, I decided to read all he had written. I followed him as he wrote them. I seemed like a retarded myself reading those written on the church walls. I pointed it to Jhay the next day and he even commented, "Kaya pala siya nabaliw eh." I stared at him long enough for him to noticed I disagreed as I murmered, "Why do you have to assume such?" Obviously, he heard it and got mad. I respect that he would believe in a God, but saying those words in front of me is as if saying, "Non-believers deserve to be insane!"

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Destiny and Free Will

Tomorrow would be the start of our prelim exam and tonight, I MUST study. My grades are a bit... uh... just don't ask. Now, I'm starting to get a bit worried of our exam tomorrow... Would I pass? *sighs* Btw, I read the "An Atheist on Judgment Day" a while ago... O.O Totally speechless.

That reminds me, we were having our Rizal class a while ago, our instructor, at the middle of her discussion, said that all is pre-destined for us by God. Then one statement came to my mind, "If it is then pre-destined, then why do we still need the so-called free will He gave us?" Then, one of my classmates asked, "If so, why did He gave other people useless parents." (translated, but the same thought and rudeness of his question wasn't changed. By his term of "useless", he meant "irresponsible".) Then I thought, "Quite what I had in mind but not exactly." Our instructor then said, "God destined those parents to be good but it was on their own free will that these parents became irresponsible." I slightly agreed with what she said that it is the parents choice to be irresponsible but I disagreed about the destiny part. I wanted to comment but, did not because it is out of the topic. (We're in a Rizal class not a Christian Formation one.) And she also said, "If you intend to know more about thing such as this, I am not the right person for it. Go find yourself a priest." I was laughing hard at that moment when she said that, as I thought, "Should I also find a priest myself? My endless question answered, just leads me deeper to another. And the more I question, the more I lose my faith than regain it." Complicated am I? Sometimes, I do not comprehend myself as well. Answers to my question leads to another and then, to another and at it's end, it would conflict the first statement given. And my question? Still remained unanswered. Man's capacity of thinking is greatly astonishing...

Anyway, going back to my comments about what my instructor said...
"God destined those parents to be good but it was on their own free will that these parents became irresponsible."
If free will is then present, then, you can't call it destiny for destiny could not be altered. And having the Webster Dictionary to support me, "Destiny. The pre-determined, inevitable or irresistible course of events." Take for example you are born with a heart disease and as pre-determined by doctors, at the age of 20-30 you'll die. This is an example of destiny. You are destined to die at such a young age because of your sickness. No matter how much medicine you drink, no matter how much rest you take, when you are destined to die, you'll die. (No offense for Catholics...) Even if you pray a hundred times a day, kneel at every step to the altar, cry under the crucified Christ for three whole days and nights and kiss every saint you see along your way, when you are destined to die, you'll still die. If destiny could be altered by "free will" then the word "destiny" should be deleted from the dictionary and be buried eternally to oblivion. For what purpose does the word exist if the word couldn't live up to its meaning? Same goes to people, when you know this guy's lying to you and is not living up to what he1 was saying or at least, would you still believe him then? If so, you're stupid. You're just lying to yourself if you do. This is also why the quotation "Trust when lost, is hard to regain" was created by whoever created it. (Don't go telling me, God also created that quotation. I wouldn't believe you a bit.) Why would trust had to be lost if all people believes other people even if they know it isn't right anymore? I wouldn't just believe something because someone told me to. It just isn't right. Do you get my point? That's all I have to say. Comment as much as you like about what you think is right. Free will...

Tuesday, June 8, 2004

Sorting Hat

I tried the Sorting Hat I found earlier. I was actually sorted in Ravenclaw.

Oh and this badge is really cute! I'm so going to put it everywhere!

I'm in Ravenclaw!

Friday, June 4, 2004

The Story of a Young Girl

She was a child who was given the talent of art. She draws things all her life. Mostly, when she was young, she draws figures she idolizes, like anime. If not, collages of something beyond anyone's explanation. People may say she lives in her own world. If you actually lives with her in the same house, you would think she is a zombie or a dead child - but you know she isn't. She seldom sleeps at that young age. Her skin is pale and her hands are cold. She has a short hair about shoulder length. She seldom talks, only if you would asked her. She wasn't this silent when she was a year younger. She usually talks to almost everyone and plays with almost anyone too. She was always teased as worthless and weak by her school mates. And to her teachers, she is an intelligent child - because of her capability of knowing things beyond her age much like feeling things such as deep emotions. But, she care less of them. She reads fiction and non-fiction books that are unsuitable for an eight year old child. All this, started with an unnatural dream as she slept one night.

She was in a place she liked most. A palace made of crystals. A palace filled with people who dresses like one of those she draws. One, lead her to a tall glass made door and opened it as she knelt. The child entered. In the room she found different types of jewels. She was astonished. Some, she had seen before and some, she haven't. One jewel caught her eyes. A bright blue jewel with a ring around it. It was a crystal pendant she caught in her tiny hands. Her eyes were gleaming wanting to say, "Could I keep it?" But before she uttered a word the lady sitting beside her said, "You like it? Then, it is yours." With great joy the child hugged the lady clad in white. The lady reached her hands and the child handed the jewel to her. The jewel raised to the air shining in sparkles of light and the light engraved words to the crystal. The child was puzzled of those words but accepted it anyway as the lady says, "My child, I will raised you to be one the finest. You will wield this scepter." Handing a silver made scepter with the same blue jewel at the scepter's head.

Monday, May 31, 2004

Holy War

A while ago, I watched the news. There was this hotel at Saudi Arabia that was under terrorist attack. they said that 3 Filipinos died in that incident. And the terrorists were called "Jerusalem Brigade". Then this came into my mind. Isn't killing against Christian's God will as well as Muslim's Allah? Then why is there a thing called a "Holy War"? In my point of view, they shouldn't call it "Holy" if it's a war. A war only gives two results, dead people and people who wants revenge for their dead families. Why do they need to fight because of some beliefs? Why don't they just leave each other be of their beliefs and live their own life. A war is inhuman. It only brings tears, pain and more bloodshed. Kaya hindi na natapos yang "Holy War" na yan eh. Sino bang promotor niyan?

Friday, May 14, 2004

What Happens When the Dark Enters the Light?

Chette Posted:

EURI - Eto tanong ko lang... What happens when a Light enters the dark? What's the answer? And.. after you answer that, Answer this one too... Now.. What happens when the dark enters the Light?

My reply:

Before answering, why the question? I really didn't get these question right so there would be possibilities that my answers would be quite... unrelated...?? The first question was What happens when a Light enters dark? If you would take it in literal meaning, my answer would be, the light will still shine in the dark. Assuming that a small matched lighted in a cold dark room, that match would provide a little light and warmth in that cold, dark room. But the darkness might swallow that tiny bit of light afterwards. And the second question was, What happens when the dark enters the Light? Taking into literal meaning as well, if the dark would enter the light, the darkness would fade. Did I answer the question? If I did, would you answer my question too? Assuming that the light is a person's hope of faith and the dark is the other way around, and a person is in the middle of the way to light and dark. Then, that person chose the darkness, and totally lost that light, is there any possibility that that light would shine again?

This was also taken from her blog:

Answer: "What are the most common problems why these Christian leaves Jesus?"
1. Other Christians set a bad example and feeling not welcome
2. Selfish desires. "I lead my own life and I won't depend on God"
3. Really hard to live a life with God. (persecutions... etc...)

Yes, I agree, somehow, these are some of the reasons people usually have. But to me, it is something more to it than meets the eye. I didn't left Christianity because of these reasons. Even if you aren't a Christian, life is still hard - not just hard, but harder. If you're a Christian, you still have someone to cling on to when you have problems, you could just kneel down and pray to lessen the pains a bit and pretend that someone out there is watching you. But if you have no god, it is harder because whenever you fall, you have to pick yourself up all alone and people wont be there the comfort you because you're weird. I left not because I wanted to lead my own life. I left because there are times when you have to wake up and just stop pretending.

Friday, May 7, 2004

A Dream…

I can't seem to sleep that night I wonder why. I rose up to my feet and walked around at an unfamiliar room furnished with several antique Victorian styled furniture. The room was in white and gold, its windows, adorned with elegant curtains flowing down the fully carpeted floors. I suddenly thought of going out the terrace for the view – it was breathtaking. The whole city was filled with lights as if tiny fireflies in the darkest of forest. The wind then blew to my face as I close my eyes and feel the whispering breeze. I opened my eyes again and walked back inside and closed the terrace doors. I pulled down the rope that held the curtain to cover the doors as I unclothed myself, reached for the dresser, pulled out a dress and got changed. I suddenly noticed myself grasping the door's knob, slowly turning it and leaving the room.

As I left the room, I went pass a hall with beautiful art collection lined up beside each room's doors. The walls were ornamented with different paintings if not, crystal like wall sconce and the floor, carpeted in red. It was as if I was walking at a palace hall. As I was roaming around the halls looking at each and every one of the fine arts that lay there, I heard someone playing piano. I couldn't tell where it was from but I was pretty sure it was the sound of a piano. As I continued to walk following the music, I found the music lead me to a room with two great doors. I was curious, so I opened the door and tried to peek inside to see who was playing. A soft, gentle, manly voice then spoke, and asked me to come in. He didn't utter a word but something was telling me that he knew I was there even before I tied to peek. Although he asked me to come in, he still continued playing as if I were not there. I looked around the room to make myself less uneasy. The room was almost like the room I was from - the antique Victorian furniture and the fully carpeted floors. The half covered windows, however, are wider and taller. My eyes then glanced through it and saw the moon from it – full and beautiful. While my eyes roam the room, it passed through him. I wondered who he was but as I see it, I knew him from my dream. As I stared at him while he was playing, I couldn't refrain myself to look at his beautiful eyes although I could see only sadness within them. When he noticed I was staring at him, he closed his eyes, lowered down his head, and asked me not to stare at him. But I couldn't help it. He was beautiful. He asked me to take a sit and I did. It was the chair near the fireplace with another chair next to it and a table with a vase of red rose at the top. And a while later, the song was done. He served me tea and sat at the chair beside me. By his usage of words and etiquette, I could tell that he was of a wealthy up-bring. He held my hands and placed it at his chest as his head facing down. His tears then fell to my hands and quickly he wiped them away. I reached my hand and touched his face while wiping his tears. His arms then extended to my back and embraced me tight. He thanked me for being there as I returned his embrace...

Then I woke up thinking who might he be and when and where was that dream. As I ask myself, will we cross our paths someday or it already crossed long, long before.


Sometimes, there are people, though we just have known them for a little while, they've already taught us so many things and showed us a glimpse of what the world is to us, and after that, they just leave without any good reason. Even if we don’t want to, they still leave us alone in a dark room, weeping… and after that, another one will come, will wipe our eyes dry, will make us feel happy for a while, and after we've learned to love them, they will leave us again...

Whenever people say that, "Life is so Unfair" somehow, something inside me agrees. Why do we need to stand after we fall? Why do we need to meet a lot of people and after a while they will just leave us. Why do people just come into our lives and just leave us after we have grown to love them? Why do we need to smile after we cried so hard after they leave? Why do we tend to love someone to whom we knew at the very first time that that someone we love, loves someone else?

Contact Form


Email *

Message *